Focus

For almost a year or 11 months to be exact in my fellowship training, I am still on the verge of coping to things and the system around here..I'm not lost, but there's still a feeling of inadequacy inside me. As my other co-fellow might have adjusted already, there are still times that I feel so empty and bored.  I might be missing my comfort zone, which I guess this have played a big role in dragging me down.
In my lonesome times, I'm asking myself, Am I in the right tract? Or Am I really called for this? With these activities I have, waking up so early, making rounds with the patients, do a little chit chat with them, asking them if they're okay, accompanying our consultants during their visits, going to OPD for consults, doing procedures, I think all these stuffs were  merely a routine for me now.
The sense of fulfillment of being a physician was lost. I guess I need break from all these routines I have. I need to get back to my very own purpose, why in the first place I took up medicine.
I pray to God above, to help me seek that reason again. I am what I am now, because of His greater plan for me, and that is to glorify Him by being His instrument in healing the sick.
I hope this boredom will get away as soon as possible.

Trash Bin Resurrected!

It's been years since I have posted here.  I guess blogging at that time was my least priority.
First and foremost, Medical Residency had consumed all my time. After 3 years of residency training, our training officer decided to extend me for a year to help my junior residents, though not as busy compared from previous years, still blogging never came into my mind.  Secondly, after residency training, here comes PSBIM exam, I had to spend so many hours reviewing Mr. Harrison's. Thirdly, after the exam, here comes a new milestone of medical profession, which had also consumed my time...the Fellowship training.
Just to keep my sanity and autism mode, I opted for other options just like posting my mild rantings on Facebook. A simple sigh can give a slight relief, and thanks to my earphones, which had separated me from a world full of stressors.
With all the negative vibes that I face every now and then, I guess posting entries on my blog is the answer. In this way, I can keep my sanity intact. Since this site is more "private" compared to other sites, I can freely post those negative thoughts I have. I am free to express my thoughts and my feelings.  I guess resurrecting this page is a better way, I mean aside from shedding out those negative and careless thoughts I have, I can inflict no pain to anybody..unless they read this intently....

WELCOME BACK TO THE BLOG SPHERE AGAIN!

CROSSROADS

Heavy with ambition, lofty dreams, and the pounds I packed for the past 15 years, I fumbled through my first year of being a doctor. The routines of being a student have been stripped of my system, in the sense that I have ceased to enjoy the privilege and security of waking up in the morning knowing exactly where I will be for that day and the next. I am not denying though, that the profession I have chosen automatically guarantees a permanent status of “student.” I am sure that doctors all over the world will agree that this is what in fact Medicine is – a life-long acquisition of knowledge. In other words, once a person becomes a doctor, he remains a student of Life for life. I remember an old mentor who morbidly told us during brain-cutting that a doctor who stops studying is as good as dead. I must be sounding like someone condemned. Once I passed the licensure examination, there came the uncertainty. The next stage and the next step to my career as a health professional lay before me like a dark, barren crossroad without warning signs, stoplights, or even street lamps. What to do next would have been easy for others who are fortunate to have already known which direction to take even before reaching this same juncture. But for me and a few others who have varied interests, sensibilities, and priorities, it is more difficult. Compounding the situation is this dreadful factoid of my so-called life: I may have proven my worth in the class room setting but with regard to the intricacies of the real world, I feel naïve, inexperienced and, to tell you the truth, retarded. The world outside the sheltered walls of the class room is a realm to which constant practice is a necessity, if only to grasp at the edges of mastering how to live well.

CLOSING CYCLE (PAOLO COEHLO)

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time,
we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it,
what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Has a loving relationship come to an end?
Did you leave your parents' house?
Gone to live abroad?
Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.
You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will befinishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.
What has passed will not return:
we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs,
move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts
and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go.
Release them.
Detach yourself from them.
Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Do not expect anything in return,
do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,
your genius to be discovered,
your love to be understood.
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again,
the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss:
that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off,
work that is promised but there is no starting date,
decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment.
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished:
tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person.
Nothing is irreplaceable A habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult,
but it is very important.

Closing cycles.
Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Connected In Silence

No communication

Total silence, a black hole, an endless abyss.
It hurts my ears, it hurts my eyes, it hurts my heart
I yearn to hear, to know, to feel.

Where are you? Where have you gone?
What are you doing, thinking, dreaming?

I used to know.

There is such a void where the words used to live
A loneliness only you can fill.

The words have gone, but the connection still lives.
You're in my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, my soul.

We may be silent but forever connected.

Reminders for myself!!!

1. life is a constant change...learn to deal with it!
2. no one can bring me down except myself...
3. some people may hate me...(i can't please everybody, anyway..)
4. i have a life to face...why get stacked with my past?
5. be independent and responsible..hahaha..I know, I MUST!
6. my bestfriend is myself...(talk to yourself everyday rhea, it's quite refreshing!!)
7. be autistic when you can't take it any longer!
8. i can't let anyone shatter my protected world!!!
9. dont forget to take a deep breath...it's relaxing!!
10. mind over heart...you'll never get hurt!!
    

* quite selfish huh??? it's just for now!!! i'm a little bit hurt!

i release all my doubts and fears,

there is no past, there is no future.

There is only here and now.

I am filled with joy here and now

I am living my life’s purpose here and now

I am loving my self and all others here and now

I am calm and contented

I am thankful for everything

I am Here…Now.