THE OTHER SIDE OF ME

CROSSROADS

2009-01-17T05:24:00.000-08:00

Heavy with ambition, lofty dreams, and the pounds I packed for the past 15 years, I fumbled through my first year of being a doctor. The routines of being a student have been stripped of my system, in the sense that I have ceased to enjoy the privilege and security of waking up in the morning knowing exactly where I will be for that day and the next. I am not denying though, that the profession I have chosen automatically guarantees a permanent status of “student.” I am sure that doctors all over the world will agree that this is what in fact Medicine is – a life-long acquisition of knowledge. In other words, once a person becomes a doctor, he remains a student of Life for life. I remember an old mentor who morbidly told us during brain-cutting that a doctor who stops studying is as good as dead. I must be sounding like someone condemned. Once I passed the licensure examination, there came the uncertainty. The next stage and the next step to my career as a health professional lay before me like a dark, barren crossroad without warning signs, stoplights, or even street lamps. What to do next would have been easy for others who are fortunate to have already known which direction to take even before reaching this same juncture. But for me and a few others who have varied interests, sensibilities, and priorities, it is more difficult. Compounding the situation is this dreadful factoid of my so-called life: I may have proven my worth in the class room setting but with regard to the intricacies of the real world, I feel naïve, inexperienced and, to tell you the truth, retarded. The world outside the sheltered walls of the class room is a realm to which constant practice is a necessity, if only to grasp at the edges of mastering how to live well.

CLOSING CYCLE (PAOLO COEHLO)

2008-11-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time,
we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it,
what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Has a loving relationship come to an end?
Did you leave your parents' house?
Gone to live abroad?
Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.
You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will befinishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.
What has passed will not return:
we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs,
move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts
and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go.
Release them.
Detach yourself from them.
Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Do not expect anything in return,
do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,
your genius to be discovered,
your love to be understood.
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again,
the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss:
that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off,
work that is promised but there is no starting date,
decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment.
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished:
tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person.
Nothing is irreplaceable A habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult,
but it is very important.

Closing cycles.
Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

middle child syndrome... i guess!

2008-10-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

as i look back on this road i've traveled, i cant helped myself but to feel nostalgic, for the very reason that i'm so thankful for everything. i feel so lucky and blessed that God had given me parents like them, i know they are not perfect, they have their flaws... they may not be the kind of parents that everyone wanted to have, but i'm proud to say that they are my parents.

just a few knew my story...i was born 25 years ago ( nearly 2 years after my mother gave birth to my elder brother), 2 months after i was brought to my aunts' house in the province..(in short, i was raised by my aunts)...of course, i understand now, why they (my parents) have to do it. My mom need to go back to work at iloilo and no one will take care of me...huhuhu...no choice! well, just sad to say, i haven't experienced blowing my first candle and grew without dolls or any toys...(yeah you read it right!)...opposite from my younger sister...may be you'll say that i had an unhappy childhood, but it was different from what you've expected...i guess, it's because i had my own world...

when i was already 4 years old, my parents decided to settle here in bacolod city...i guess, it was the most happiest day in my life..why? because, we'll be living in one roof . honestly, i really envied my sister...hahaha...she may haven't know this, but i really was...yeah, she had celebrated her first birthday, blew her first candle, opened lots of gifts and toys...things that i have not experienced...i always thought she was the most favorite because she was the youngest, my older brother was the most special because he was the first born, my younger brother had been my aunts' favorite and me was just a kid...

little did i know that i was seeking for attention, hehehe...a middle child syndrome i guess...but these things had taught me to do my best in everything that i do...if i wont excel or be at the top, at least i have done my best and make them proud of me too.

i may have not understand it before, why things should happen that way and yet i'm so thankful that i have went into that situation.

thanks ma, thanks pa, for being my parents...i know you love me too just as much as you love my siblings. if still given a chance to choose who'll be my parents, i will still choose you both. i know, you have sacrificed so many things for me just to support me in whatever things that i will do and i'm so sorry if i have been so hard headed sometimes. I thank God for giving me a set of parents like you!! i hope you'll be proud of me in anything that i do...I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Connected In Silence

2008-10-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

No communication

Total silence, a black hole, an endless abyss.
It hurts my ears, it hurts my eyes, it hurts my heart
I yearn to hear, to know, to feel.

Where are you? Where have you gone?
What are you doing, thinking, dreaming?

I used to know.

There is such a void where the words used to live
A loneliness only you can fill.

The words have gone, but the connection still lives.
You're in my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, my soul.

We may be silent but forever connected.

Reminders for myself!!!

2008-10-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

life is a constant change...learn to deal with it!
no one can bring me down except myself...
some people may hate me...(i can't please everybody, anyway..)
i have a life to face...why get stacked with my past?
be independent and responsible..hahaha..I know, I MUST!
my bestfriend is myself...(talk to yourself everyday rhea, it's quite refreshing!!)
be autistic when you can't take it any longer!
i can't let anyone shatter my protected world!!!
dont forget to take a deep breath...it's relaxing!!
mind over heart...you'll never get hurt!!

* quite selfish huh??? it's just for now!!! i'm a little bit hurt!

2008-10-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

i release all my doubts and fears,

there is no past, there is no future.

There is only here and now.

I am filled with joy here and now

I am living my life’s purpose here and now

I am loving my self and all others here and now

I am calm and contented

I am thankful for everything

I am Here…Now.

letting go

2008-09-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I easily got attached to things, which sooner or later I had to let go of. Saying goodbye was always hard. The items were already rotting with age, begging to be put to rest in the recycle bin.

Now that I’m older, I still find it hard to let go of things wherein I grew quite attached to. Be it a faded shirt or old tattered cards. I still make up excuses about how I’m not yet ready to give them up or throw them away. I sometimes wonder if it has something to do with being a very sentimental person; one who finds comfort in even the shallowest of things.

Take my trying to let go of him, for example. I’ve been trying to do this for the longest time, and yet I still cannot will myself to do it. Stupid? Yes. Every night I pray for his face to fade away, but I find myself unable to fall into slumber without thinking first that he is with me. I wake up uncountable times during the night just to check my phone in case some miracle has interceded and he has decided to get in touch with me. At a bird’s point of view, I find what I am doing rather pathetic and no-doubt-about it stupid, but it is something that has been wrapped and sewn into my subconscious. There are days wherein I become proud of myself for not thinking about him too much, but then I tend to dream about him in my sleep.

I sometimes marvel at my capacity to hold on. To those reading this, I may sound weak for loving someone who is no doubt not in love with me. But I think of my stupidity as a character of a person who loves unconditionally. After all, I do not love him just so he may love me in return. Unconditional love — to love without expectations, no questions asked.

I once came upon a quote that went, “It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.” I find the saying quite comforting, albeit I disagree with it. It isn’t better to have loved than lost. Not when you love him every morning, thinking that this might be the day when he finally cares for you, when he finally sees you and loves you. Not when you think all this, only to have it all come crashing down, everything you expected destroyed at the end of the day. Not when you know that even though you felt all these things, all this pain and hurt, you will expect to feel the same way again tomorrow. That tomorrow you will love, and lose him again. It’s not better when you love, and you lose, every single day, and know that you will come back for more.

It is discouraging, disappointing, painful. Yet, my love and silent longing for him knows no boundaries. It feels the pain, at the same time motivated by it. My ego, bruised and tattered, has long been begging my hypothalamus to give up. Still, I hope.

A good friend once said that letting go of someone is not letting go of the feelings that you have for the person but accepting the fact that the person can never be yours. There will come a time wherein, sooner or later, we need to stop wishing for someone not because you are no longer in love, but because you know that that someone will be better off without you. If this were the case, I guess it is time to finally let go of him. So like my old stuffed toys that needs to be thrown away, or ragged blankets that were washed, I must say goodbye one last time. Never to the love I have for him, but to the longings of wanting him to stay in my life.

As I write this, tears are uncontrollably falling down my cheeks. Part of me still longs to hold on; to keep on fighting. But I now realize that this is the part wherein there is nothing more I can do but to smile and be happy for him, even if his happiness means his absence in my life.

After all, that is what unconditional love is all about…

i'm finally back

2008-09-15T00:25:00.000-07:00

So, I'm back to the blog sphere. It used to be a necessary thing for me to do but things changed. I lost my way, i couldn't even compose a paragraph just to express what i feel. I guess I'm a little bit empty at that time...(hahaha crazy woman!!)....whew! They were partially right... I was scared of losing people who have been a part of my life...I'm afraid to fail and I'm afraid that I cant meet the expectations of my family....a lot of things had pushed me away and whatever are those I'm glad they have made me realized what life is all about and I'm grateful that I'm finally back to myself....hahaha...

On my journey of finding myself, I wrestle with God, I cried with Him, I have bargained...(see how little faith I had?) but it made me realized that God will bring me to a point of weakness if that's what it takes to bring me back to Him. He was not concerned of my comfort, He was more concerned of my inner being and my relationship to Him. "Nature abhors vacuum". Human nature abhors vacuum too that is why we avoid feeling empty and find ways to fill it. God had made it that way, in order for us to seek Him and let Him made us whole and complete.

homeless no more

2008-09-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

i used to think i was lost, because i had no home to return to. because things have changed while i was gone, and there were no open arms to welcome me back. but now i realize home wasn't where i thought i had left it. it wasn't merely in the presence of a special past. it's right here. in the love of my parents, in the warm hugs of my siblings, in the sincere smiles of my trusted friends.

now i don't have to go looking.

i was home all along.